E-breakups

So, e-dating didn’t work out for you. You’re probably feeling pretty down in the dumps. You may even be considering a hilarious ragequit. Don’t be sad! Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Look at it this way, for instance: what if you got married? You don’t need some spouse dragging you into all their marital problems.

While I have never experienced a real life breakup because I have never had consensual sex without paying for it, I suspect that e-breakups are at least as traumatic as their real-world counterparts. If you’re reading this, chances are, you’ve just had your heart torn asunder by the unholy ravages of some vengeful lovebeast, and at this crucial time you need to keep a few things in mind:

1) You are not alone.

I mean, technically, you are alone. Chances are, you always will be. But in some sort of bigger metaphorical sense, there are others out there who have felt your pain before. Reach out to a loved one. Make that phone call to the estranged friend who was always there for you so many years ago. And then, over coffee, vent about what you’re going through. Afterwards, beat them senseless and leave them with the check. Don’t you feel better now? You needed to get that anger out of your system.

2) Say “Yes!” to life!

You probably feel pretty sorry for yourself right now. Unfortunately for you, nobody else really cares. It might be tempting to tell others you’re thinking about ending it all. If you do this, you are a victim of small thinking. You are dumber than every drummer. I knew a drummer named Andrew once, and he made bad decisions. If you end your life because of an e-breakup, you are dumber than Andrew. Do what all the other sad kids do! Listen to emo music. Cry your eyes out and tell everyone about it. Write atrocious poetry. Get that bleeder mutation. This is what your life has become now, but at least you’re not dead.

3) You’re so money and you don’t even know it.

Once your self-pitying phase is over, it’s time to score loads of easy rebound lays. Visit a high-end beauty product website and max out your parents’ credit card on cocoa scented body lotions. Buy that silk bathrobe and monocle that you’ve always known you needed. Now is your time to shine. Now is the time to become a champion.