User:Charlatan
Cynicism:
Charlatan will correct your grammar, spelling, and factual errors in your articles, and it is nothing personal. He hopes you do the same for him.
He also believes that newbies wanting the Scribe award should hold off on writing articles until they know what they're talking about.
Occupation:
Charlatan is officially designated as a bailiff in the High Court of Agonies, located in the oft-misrepresented 4th Circle of Hell.
Background, as Chronicled by Heroditus:
Charlatan's history is a vividly woven tapestry of things you will care nothing about. But such is life, and here we are.
His life began at conception, and as soon as his head popped out of his mother, he demanded that the television set be turned to the newest episode of Voltron. As a toddler, he was known to go out carousing at the seediest of bars, arriving home nightly to abuse a replicated Bruce Willis, whom he referred to as "his disgrace of a son".
Time went by and he didn't put down the bottle. By age 11 his liver was all but destroyed, and it seemed the young man was already knocking on Death's door. At first this irritated Death, who was often paranoid when people were knocking at his door, as he was a marijuana smoker and never seemed to have any trouble getting a stash from Peter Frampton. Finally, Death opened the door to Charlatan, they fell in love, and at 13 years old he was a married man, at 14 the father to a creature very much like Rosemary's baby.
With Death's help Charlatan beat his alcoholism. Unfortunately, he also beat his child and his lover. He would pistol whip them, tie them up, and pour Slimfast milk shakes on them. Sometimes, he would even dress them up like Texas oilmen and demand they make out with one another. Death gave Charlatan the divorce papers July 9, 1998. He was now sixteen, and though he didn't turn to drinking to get over the loss of the family he had entertained the only way he knew how, he did open a meth lab for starving children. He was arrested on his seventeenth birthday when authorities found out about his ring of meth labs, where he would create the lowest quality of meth and force it on these children he had found in alleys behind drugstores and garbage bins. While Charlatan was in prison he was informed of the suicide of Death, and this hit him very hard. He began preaching the Gospel and teaching other prisoners to read books. After this new streak of Godliness, another prisoner, Care Dog, made Charlatan his sexual slave, biting him on the face any time he attempted requests to perform an "angerball", a bizarre mixture of tantric sex and beastiality that must be experienced to be believed. In 2001, he escaped from prison hiding in Care Dog's ass, and now resides in Freedom City.
